PTB's Writing Challenge 2013
by sniperocker123
Summary: By the end of 2013, this will hopefully be filled with 52 oneshots on different characters and pairings based on picture/word/situation prompts. Written for Project Team Beta's Writing Challenge.
1. Chapter 1

**Challenge #1**

**Title: Rocky Horizon****  
****Date Posted: Saturday, January 6th, 2013****  
****Fandom: Twilight**

**Rating: T****  
****Genre: AU/Non-****Canon**

**Content Descriptors: Mystery, Drama.**

**Character Pairing: Edward Cullen and Bella Swan**

**Thanks to my wonderful beta readers from PTB for Beta'ing this chapter for me:)**

* * *

I'd never been a social bee. Mingling around with people forcing out awkward small talk, Faking laughter at their non-successful attempts at humor, watching them get drunk and make an asses out of themselves–all that wasn't my thing. Not really.

No, my thing was something I chose to pursue in perfect solitariness. It wasn't something you did in groups anyway. Whilst people made fools of themselves, I took pictures of it. Public nudity, the occasional bar fight, affairs and so the list goes on. You name it, I'd got it. And it was only fair that the world got to share my pictures as well. Cruel, I know. And hence, my job as a photojournalist with _Peninsula Daily_ was perfect. I'd graduated from college with a degree in photography, gotten a job in my first week of looking, moved away from Forks to Port Angeles and I was goddamned happy. Not many people could say that they had a decent-paying job fresh out of college, especially one that had actually something to do with their degree.

My parents weren't very happy about my moving though. Dad being the Chief of Police in Forks wasn't quite ready to say part with his daughter and let her venture out into the world where there was-according to him-more chance of something bad happening. Mom on the other hand, wasn't willing to let me go because there was less chance that she could butt into my life. And so we made a pact. Actually, Mom made a pact. I just shook my head, nodded and rolled my eyes at the appropriate times.

So, the pact: come home to Forks for one weekend every month.

Not too bad, I'd thought to myself at the time. It still wasn't. Bad, I mean. Just that today, Mom had forgotten that Jacob Black was scheduled to come home for dinner. Or maybe she'd invited him the day I came over purposely. Who the fuck knows how those twisted, convoluted mommy-minds work?

Coming back to Jacob Black. He was my ex-boyfriend, and we hadn't exactly parted on good terms. Sure, we'd wish each other well on birthdays and Christmas and Easter, but that was all. It was over and we'd accepted it.

But not my mom. That woman had some sort of misplaced sense of responsibility of my love life. And that was okay, I think. Just not with Jacob Black. _Please_ not with Jacob Black.

I did manage to get out of the house though, if only for the afternoon. And my mom had to butt into that too.

"You want some alone time and that's okay, sweetie. When you're coming back though, get Jake with you. We can have an early dinner, can't we?"

"Yes, Mom," I'd conceded and grabbed a hold of my SLR, jumping at the opportunity to get out of the house. I ended up at the cliffs of the Quileute reservation, incidentally the reservation where Jake lived.

That brings us to where I was right now–on top of the one cliff I could climb without falling and dying–on all fours trying to get a perfect shot of the cliffs and the waters that seemed to stretch until they met the horizon. Only problem? The light. It wasn't cooperating. Every time I tried to get a shot, it would shift focus and I'd have to shift with it to get to get a clearer shot.

I always loved my fixed-focus lens, but I was cursing Nikon today.

However, I was crazy stubborn. I just couldn't go home without this shot. And fifteen minutes later, I'd moved to being completely on my stomach. I felt something move behind me, but it could wait. I totally had this thing now.

I shifted a little, trying to make as little noise as possible, but then giggled at my stupidly. The sun wasn't going to run away if I made a noise. There was a slight movement behind me again, and I turned around, startled, but there was nothing. I was sure there had been a cracking of twigs under someone's feet, but I shrugged and attempted to concentrate on my task again.

I got the perfect angle for the shot, steadied my hand, checked the focus again -because of the OCD patient that I was-and clicked. I waited with baited breath as I reviewed the picture, and all the breath left my mouth in a huff.

"What the –" I whispered as I sat up and checked again.

There was fogging on the entire foreground. Actually, there was absolutely no picture. Just one big black smudge that I think was supposed to be my million-dollar shot.

I cursed under my breath and tried again. There was a whoosh of wind behind me, and when I checked the picture, there it was again. That black smudge. I was sure I heard someone's feet crunching the leaves behind me so I stood up and looked behind me in the shadows.

"Is there someone out there? 'Cause seriously if you're messing with my pictures and then you're gonna jump out then I'm gonna die falling outta these cliffs."

I looked around the forest again and started getting the creeps.

"Okay, you are totally freaking me out, mister. Or miss. Whatever. Because if you're a miss then I'm throwing you off this cliff and if you're a mister…then uh, then I'm sending you to jail."

There was a ghost of a chuckle and I gasped.

_Holy moly!_

"That's your idea of a swear word?" a male voice asked, and I just about peed in my pants. _Did I say that out loud?_ On the other hand, the voice was hot, velvet-like and oozed sex. That and I'd never been more afraid of a faceless voice all my life.

"I uh, I don't curse," I lied. How pathetic a liar I was!

"Of course," The voice laughed and the man–to whom the voice in question belonged–stepped out of his hiding place. It was truly amazing how quickly the creep I had imagined was actually the most beautiful man I had ever seen.

He was tall and the pale white seemingly perfect expanse of his skin reminded me of Michelangelo's David. His eyes were a curious and bright shade of gold and I found myself drowning in them a little. He cocked his head to the side, and the motion reminded me so much of an owl that I laughed out loud.

His eyebrows rose and I shrugged. They relaxed again.

I frowned as I tried to comprehend what exactly was happening here. There was no one else except the two of us around, and I wasn't messing with my own picture–because I wasn't crazy, you know–and so there was only one alternative.

"So, uh, you were messing with my pictures? And how the hell did you manage to do that, by the way?" I asked, my earlier annoyance flaring thick as his brow furrowed.

"Me?" he asked innocently, and I frowned.

"Uh huh."

"I ruined your pictures?"

"That's right."

"And why would I do that?"

"That's what I just asked you."

"Did you?"

I stomped my foot in anger and turned back around, determined to get the perfect shot. I'd be damned if I didn't get a pretty picture of the blessed cliff. The clouds had given their cover again and it would rain soon. Focused on the task at hand, I got down on my stomach once again and adjusted the focus of my camera until I got the shot. Behind me I heard _him_ get comfortable.

He sat down, beside me. Actually sat down. I looked him up and down and then smirked.

He waved his hand with a flourish and asked me to continue and not mind him. Yeah, sure.

I idly wondered if alcohol walked up to an alcohol addict, sat down beside him and asked the addict to not mind it and continue whatever he was doing.

That sure was a cool analogy.

I clicked the picture with no hot weirdo interrupting my focus and voila! I had the g-damned shot.

_In your pretty white face, hot boy_, I mentally gloated.

I slowly started to pack up. The thought of leaving this mysterious man behind saddened me greatly, somehow. So after packing, I sat back down beside him. He only looked at me curiously throughout the ordeal.

"Aren't you gonna say anything?" I asked when we'd been sitting for about ten minutes in silence.

"What would you like me to say?" he asked curiously, and I rolled my eyes at him.

I then went ahead and threw an array of questions at him that he gladly answered. His name was Edward Cullen, it seemed, and he was new to Forks, and that explained why I hadn't heard of him before. I might not have been staying in Forks, but my father was the Chief and I'd have heard _something_. Besides, Mom would _definitely_ tell me if there was an eligible bachelor in town.

Edward had just graduated from Harvard with a medical degree and was here to work in the pediatric wing.

"But why would you do that? You're graduated from Harvard. Why would you want to work in Forks?" I asked, shocked.

His eyes burned into mine. "There are sick children everywhere, Bella."

I nodded thoughtfully and decided that he had a point. Sick people were sick people, right? Wherever they were.

I interrogated him for some time more, and he seemed perfectly content to answer. The sky started to darken when he said he had to get moving. I glanced at my watch and gasped.

I was screwed. I'd left my phone at home to discourage interruptions and now I was screwed. The one hot guy I found and I didn't have my bloody phone to take down his number. The universe was punishing me, I was sure of it.

Edward gave me his number-_from where did he get a pen and paper?_-and asked me to call him soon. I smiled and was about to ask him if he needed a lift, but I noticed that he'd already melted into the shadows.

_How strange, _I thought as I turned around to watch the sun set over the horizon. I might as well enjoy the view before going home to hear the lecture from Mom about being late.

I sat at the edge of the cliffs, not wanting to miss this spectacle. And as I went over our entire conversation, I realized something. It was trivial perhaps but equally vexing.

The sun melted into the sea while I tried to remember exactly at what point in our conversation I'd told him my name.

I couldn't find one.


	2. Chapter 2

**Challenge #2****  
Title: The Empty Glass  
Fandom: Twilight**

**Date Posted: 28-01-13**

**Rating: T****  
Genre: AH**

**Content Descriptors: Humour, Drama.**

**Character Pairing: Edward Cullen and Bella Swan**

**Special thanks to PTB's _Madmum_ and _babykay18_ for being the amazing beta readers that they were to me :)**

* * *

I stare straight ahead, doing my best to avoid looking at the empty glass right in front of me. It's _right there_ but I ignore it. What else can I do? Look down at it and remember the events that had transpired last night? I shudder but glance down at the glass anyway.

What kind of a masochist was I? _A pretty stupid one_, I answer myself.

I feel the stinging on my arm that feels like a thousand different needles poking and prodding me at once, but I know there had been just one. One needle, one name and two hundred and eighty dollars.

I sigh and look down at the glass again. All the other glasses are there too, just shattered and on the floor.

It had been a pathetic day. My boss had screwed the living hell outta me and I had needed a break. She'd made my life miserable and I couldn't wait to get rid of her.

Emmett – my boss's marketing guy and my brother – offered to go to a club and drinking my troubles away had sounded like heaven. And it was, until she showed up. My bitch of a boss.

Isabella Swan was an amazing human being…only not to her employees. She did her charity, got her own damn coffee every morning, the likes. But her own employees? She treated them like crap. She, apparently, was there to nurse a broken heart while I was just there to find a good lay. I had to admit though, the woman was undeniably sexy, she just wasn't my type. Although it would be a lie for me to say that I didn't find myself attracted to her charm. I mean, she'd threatened to fire me more times than I could remember! She was apparently in a tiff with her boyfriend of three years, Marcus, and I couldn't have been happier to see her in misery today of all days.

_"Broken heart, Isabella?" I smirked as I sat beside her on the bar stool. She wasn't my boss outside work, after all._

_ "Fuck off, Cullen," she'd said without even looking in my direction._

_ "Oh come on. You gotta get back what you give. You're such an absolute bitch that you were bound to be dumped. Kuddos to Marcus," I cheered. I knew I was hitting below the belt and that comment was as mean as fuck but eh, what the hell? Who gets a chance like this?_

_ "Fuck you." She turned to me and sneered._

_ "Oh I would, but you're just not my type." I smirked._

_Bella took a deep breath, threw some cash on the counter and started to walk away. I picked up her half full glass and followed her. She glanced back once and I smiled at her, that alone earning me a very crude hand gesture but I wasn't complaining._

I hear some commotion behind the stage and so I get up and follow the all too familiar groans.

"You wanna help me up, Cullen?" she snaps and then winces.

_Hangover101: No listening to unnecessary noises. Especially not your own._

"Come on up," I say, helping Bella stand up and she slaps my hands away when they linger at her waist.

"What's your problem, woman? I'm helping you here." I glare and she ignores me, twisting and turning her head to look the other way..

She raises her hand to brush some hair out of her face and that's when she sees _it_._ It _has been haunting me all night and now she's seen it too. The sadist in me smiles evilly. Then I remember that there's one for me too. The smile falls.

If this situation wasn't scary as hell, it'd be downright hilarious. "What the hell is this?" she whispers in horror. Her eyes are bulging out of their sockets in shock and her jaw is pretty much acquainting itself with the floor. She lifts her horror filled eyes to my smug face and her eyes open even wider. She roughly pulls my left hand to check and there _it_ is. The plain gold band that she wears too.

"Oh my god! This isn't real, this isn't real," she murmurs to herself and collapses in a pile on the floor.

I walk back to the bar counter, leaving her alone and look back at the empty glass. If you look closer, you can see the little chip on its rim. The chip that I made.

I wonder what I was doing when that happened, I think slyly. _Or who?_

The best way to kill a hangover was with some Vodka, I'd heard. I sigh and jump over the counter, reaching for an Absolut kept on a shelf. I grab a hold of the glass to fill it, but thinking better of it, grab two glasses from behind me and pour generously into both.

I take Bella's drink back to her and she's still on the floor struggling. Not physically, but it's clear what I mean. I resist smirking and wave the glass under her nose. Her eyes lock onto me, narrowing in warning and I sigh.

"This'll make you feel better. Trust me. _Wifey,_" I add smartly at the end.

Her eyes flash at me and for a moment I am scared. This woman owns the company I work for, doesn't like me too much, had salt poured onto her wounds by me last night, got married to me and now I'm pissing her off with my smart mouth.

"You get one thing straight in that thick head of yours, Cullen. This entire…thing-it's a mistake. And, I'll have this _mistake _sorted before you can say another word. Am I clear?" she snarls and I'm gaping at her.

"If you remember, _boss_, you were the one that suggested we marry last night. Or have you forgotten?"

"What?" she whispers. She's surprised.

"I thought it would be funny to have kids. You said it would be funnier to get married and then have little _Bellwards_ and _Edwellas. _Remember?"

"Shit," she breathes and her eyes flash to mine in realization.

"There was a minister… the bar-tender?" she looks up to me.

"That's right, keep going," I encourage.

"The rings – where'd they come from?" She frowns. Then her eyes widen as she remembers. "The gift shop?"

I nod somberly. Our wedding rings had cost us all of five dollars after all.

We stay quiet for some time. After a while, she glances at me and looks down again.

"The glass. Did it…survive?" she asks quietly.

"Just a little chip on the rim. It'll live," I reply just as quietly.

"Shit, my head hurts," she moans and buries her head in her hands. I close my eyes and take a seat beside her on the floor.

We sit in silence for several mintues before she starts to sniffle and before I know it, she's sobbing. She looks at me with pain riddled eyes and my heart twists.

"We were going to be married, Marcus and I. He cheated on me, Edward. I can forgive everything, just not infidelity. Not infidelity!" she cries and without thinking, I pull her to me. Emmett will give me hell for this but I'll take it.

I try to think that she'll remember my support once this I over. And _that_ is the reason I hold her to me.

I sigh. I know that's not true.

I try to think about why I suddenly care.

I sigh again. It doesn't matter.

She cries into my shirt and I continue to hold her, stroking her hair. Indefinite time passes between us and she sniffs, looking up at me.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she asks, her brows furrowed in confusion.

"I don't know," I whisper truthfully. She nods and takes her place against my chest.

"What do we do about it…the glass?" I ask softly. She sighs and looks up at me.

"What is the deal with that glass? I just remember you keeping it with you all the time last night."

Bella sighs.

"The bartender…he's always the same whenever I come to this place, I come here so often. I'm now on first-name basis with him. He dared me to keep the glass with me the whole time I was going to be here. I can't even remember why I agreed and how the hell he came up with that pathetic dare, but I do remember agreeing.

"That damn glass is the reason for this entire mess. First we used it to play Truth or Dare, then we kept the rings in it or something…I can't remember."

"We dipped the rings in the glass. It was filled with Scotch and we blessed the rings," I mumble. I'm surprised I remember so much.

"We blessed our rings with Scotch?" she whisper-yells and then groans.

"Single Malt," I answer.

"This marriage is doomed."

I feel my eyes widen as I realize what she is trying to imply.

"Back up a second here. You are blaming the glass for our _sacred union_? You mean to say, that inanimate piece of glass conspired against you and made you marry me?" I ask incredulously.

She just flips me the finger and I shake my head in disbelief.

After few seconds of blessed silence, her head snaps up and her eyes are wide as she looks at me.

_What now?_

"Did we, uh, you know…" she stares at me awkwardly.

I smirk as I realize where this is headed.

"Consummate?"

"Uh huh."

"Repeatedly," I whisper and she slaps her palm on her forehead. I crack a smug smile.

"Edward, I know you don't like me. Hell, I don't like me, sometimes. But, I have an entire company to run, a cheating ex-fiancé, a bull-headed mother and a 15 days sober father. I'm not saying this for your pity. I'm just saying this so you know that I don't hate you," she takes a deep breath and I know what she is going to say next. It should be relieving. It should make me breathe a sigh of relief. It doesn't.

It makes my chest hurt.

"I'm gonna go speak to my lawyers. We're gonna get this shit sorted and this marriage annulled. _And_ I'm getting these rings, that bartender and that glass thrown into the dumpster." She gets up, heads to the bar and starts to search for her phone, no doubt.

"You remember last night when we played Truth or Dare?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"You owe me a Dare."

She turns around so fast it makes my head spin.

"Yeah, so?"

"So humor me."

"Go ahead, Cullen." She sighs.

I brace myself. The question I'll ask her will either make me or break me. I don't know why I want this, I just do. I take a deep breath and shoot myself with the proverbial gun.

"Stay married to me for another six months."


	3. Chapter 3

**Challenge #3**

**Title: Word Play****  
****Date Posted: 30-01-2013****  
****Fandom: Twilight**

**Rating: T/PG13****  
****Genre: AH**

**Content Descriptors: Humor, Romance **

**Character Pairing: Edward Cullen/Bella Cullen**

**Special thanks to this time's Beta people _Smudgedcrimsonlipstick _and _EdwardsMate4ever/Mod Jessica _for helping this chapter look like it does right now...thank you ladies :)**

* * *

"I wanna be buried in a tomb. So I have another shot at living. I might be resurrected, you know. Like Jesus."

"The world will get rid of you just once. Please don't subject them to the joy of your second coming."

"Baby, I want to be resurrected."

"Yeah, in case you haven't noticed, I don't really care."

"Of course you care. You're my fair lady love. How can you not?"

"Look, mister -"

"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen? Dr. Love is ready to see you." The nurse giggled and I covered my mouth to cover _my_ giggle. It was funny that the entire hospital referred to my father-in-law as 'Dr. Love.' Beside me, my husband's mouth turned like he'd licked a sour lemon.

"I'll never know why they call my father _Dr. Love_," he muttered as we got up and made our way to his father's office.

"Maybe because most of them saw Dr. Platt's naked ass riding him on his couch?" I quipped. Edward turned to me and stuck his tongue out. I laughed and stopped him, placing my hand on his chest and after making sure no one was around, I stuck my tongue into his mouth. I pulled away almost immediately.

"Yuk! Why do you taste like cabbage ass? Eek," I frowned as I picked up a tissue from my purse and attempted to clean my tongue.

"I ate that awful vegetable salad Renee made. Whatever. You kissed _me_." He grinned and popped some gum into his mouth. I rolled my eyes. I swear I'd married a 27 year old baby.

"You're thinking about that 26 year old baby thing aren't you?" Edward asked, turning his critical eye on me.

"You're a doctor. Not a mind-reader. Stick to your own business."

"But, baby, you are my business. Now tell me what you were thinking about," he whined and, once again, the image of a baby with Edward's face, one hand on his junk, jerking off, came to mind.

I shook myself, trying to dispel the nasty image and turned to my husband. "It was a 27 year old baby."

He just laughed and shoved my shoulder.

We reached Carlisle's office and I tugged on Edward's hand to stop him from entering.

"Look at this," I whispered, nodding at the engraving on the door.

_**Dr. Carlisle Cullen**_

_Gynecologist_

"Yeah, that's his specialization…you know that," Edward said, confused.

"Yeah, I know that," I said irritably. "No, look at it. I mean, really look at it. It's so silly, isn't it? I mean, his name is in bold letters but his specialty is so small, you have to strain your eyes to really see it."

"I don't see your point, baby." Edward shook his head. I glared at him like I meant it.

"Don't you see the vices of our American society in these little things? They give more credit to the fact that his name is Carlisle Cullen than to the fact that he has legal permission to grope your boob or finger your v-jay jay," I explained angrily. "They should, like, hold a meeting for that. The World Summit On Which One's More Important – The Name or The Degree."

"That would be one hell of a meeting. The name itself is a handful, don't you think?"

Right at that moment, Carlisle opened the door to his office and glared. "I have never fingered a v-jay jay or groped a boob. But I have conducted _breast _exams and routine _vaginal _check-ups. Am I clear?"

"Sir, yes, sir," I saluted and he nodded. "Let's do this again. My husband and I will knock at your door and you will say 'Come in' and then we'll come in. Go on." I waved him into his office and shut the door.

I fixed my hair, kissed Edward's upturned lips briefly and knocked at Carlisle's office door.

"Come in," he answered, and I smiled at his ability to play along well.

"Hello, Dr. _Lurve_," I leered as we walked into Carlisle's office. He sighed. "Trust me, Doctor, it never gets old."

"I can see that," Carlisle mumbled as he offered us some candy. We gobbled most of it up greedily and he smiled at me. It made me feel like I was a puppy that had _finally_ learned not to pee on the couch.

"So what are we here for?" Carlisle asked, back to business. I could feel my face fall. His face grew concerned almost immediately and I nearly backtracked but Edward grasped my hand from beneath the table and I sagged against the chair.

"Bella, you're almost through your second trimester. I think if there's something that is bothering you, then as a responsible patient and mother-to-be, you should tell your doctor." He sighed. "If you aren't comfortable discussing this with me, then there's always Edward. You know he's just as qualified as I am –"

"We want to discuss baby names. And it didn't feel right doing it without the presence of the grandfather. That's all," I blurted.

There. I'd laid it all out in two sentences.

I looked up to see Carlisle turn an almost inhuman shade of purple, then puce and finally red. I felt Edward relax.

"It was Edward's idea, I swear," I muttered but no one seemed to be listening to me. Both father and son were locked in some type of death stare thingy and it made me glad my own father wasn't here right now.

"So that's why you booked an appointment with me during peak hours on a Friday?" he choked, and I felt my eyes water.

"You don't like this? We drove all the way here just 'cause we wanted to know what you would like to call your grandson." I sniffed and Edward pulled me closer. I was almost on his lap now.

"Dad, you just had to go ahead and upset her, didn't you? She's quick on the waterworks these days, you know that." Edward sighed and the _waterworks_ escalated.

I cried as I realized what Edward was referring to. "I'm a big pain to you, right? I stress you out so much and you're a doctor and I shouldn't trouble you so much but I do and I'm sorry but –"

"Hey, baby. Who told you you're giving me trouble? I like taking care of you. Of both of you," he said, patting my protruding stomach gently. I snuffled and nodded.

"Bella, sweetheart, why don't we discuss baby names? I want to know what you wanna call my grandson," Carlisle announced proudly and I nodded enthusiastically.

"Okay I'm starting. We're thinking about Lancelot," Edward grinned and I swatted his arm lightly.

"You, my dear husband, are delusional. There is absolutely no way in hell I am allowing you to name our child Lancelot. I mean, come on, Lancelot was the knight that seduced King Arthur's wife," I whined and Edward pouted.

"I veto this name," Carlisle frowned. "No frikkin way in hell." With these words, one nightmare was gone.

"Okay…how about Nathaniel?" Edward sighed, his eyes taking on a dreamy look.

"Nat King Cole? Can you get any more pathetic, son?" Carlisle huffed and then his eyes lit up. "How about Conner?"

"Ooh, that's a nice one. I think." I wrinkled my nose and turned to Edward. "Baby, look it up. See what Conner means."

A minute later, I was glaring at Carlisle and Carlisle was glaring at the screen of Edward's iPhone.

_Hound-lover_ was written against the name Conner and I was just about ready to commit two murders. And then I remembered a name I'd read a few weeks ago when I'd seen Edward's birth certificate.

"Anthony," I breathed, and two heads snapped up to look at me. One blond and smiling, the other bronze and shocked.

"You want to name our child Anthony? Like my middle name?" he whispered and I nodded.

"It means _priceless. _I know because I looked it up that day. Edward, it's perfect. Please let me do this," I whispered and Carlisle cleared his throat.

"I'm gonna give you two a few minutes to yourselves." He smiled and walked across the room to his door. Before leaving however, he turned around.

"Anthony is an amazing name, Bella."

"Anthony, baby? Seriously? Are you, like, sure about that?"

"Yes I'm, like, sure about that," I imitated. He tsked at me and stood up, running his fingers through that fuck-hot hair.

_*swoon, drool*_

"Be serious about this, Bella. I mean, we're going to be giving our baby a name. And it's important that our child has an identity of his own. I don't want him to begrudge us for giving him a name that's been used in his family already…"

As soon as I heard this, I walked over to him and slapped the back of his head. Hard.

"You stupid man, you actually think our kid is going to be pissed that he has his father's middle name as his own?"

"Well, children think that way nowadays, love. It's something to consider." Edward frowned and I gaped at him.

"Edward…you really don't understand, do you? Baby, if this baby knows what's best for it, then it's gonna be happy with its name. Besides, I have a feeling he's gonna be a doctor too. And Dr. Anthony sounds so damned cool," I squealed and, by his resigned sigh, Edward knew that I knew that he'd given up.

A few minutes of tete-a-tete with his father later, Edward and I left, promising to come back only when we had a genuine _medical_ emergency. As we left his office, I swore I heard Edward mutter, "Who'd go to Dr. Anthony when Dr. Lancelot was on duty?"

I only grimly shook my head. Men were lame.


	4. Chapter 4

**Challenge #4**

**Title: Mother's Forgiveness****  
****Date Posted: 08-02-13 ****  
****Fandom: Twilight**

**Rating: T/PG13****  
****Genre: AU**

**Content Descriptors: Angst **

**Character Pairing: Edward Cullen/Esme Cullen**

I make my way slowly to my house where six vampires wait, some anxious, others impatient for my arrival. My shoulders almost physically hunch when I hear the onslaught of thoughts that I can hear. My breath shudders in my chest when I hear what they think about and I strengthen the walls I have built around my heart. I walk into the house and they stare at me unhappily. All but one. She is smug.

"Edward," Carlisle whispers, and the pain is clear in his voice. He does not like this, but he does it. For family. For me.

"I'm fine," I say, answering his unspoken question and his mental sigh is enough to rattle the chains I have used to hold my emotions in check.

"Go, Carlisle. I will be fine. Just go," I murmur and make my way to my room. He stops me by placing his hand on my shoulder and I know he is not satisfied with my answer. I turn to him and his entire demeanor shifts.

_Son, what have you done to yourself? _he thinks and slowly moves his hand from my shoulder.I walk up the stairs and tune all the voices out, reveling in the eerie silence in my head. It reminds me of another human who's thoughts were silent and I fall to my knees, clutching my head in my hands.

_What have I done?_

I can hear them move their belongings into their cars and I know they are waiting on me. An arrangement is made and one car remains behind for me.

She walks with rhythmic steps, her footwear hardly making a sound on the floor. She pauses outside my room, the door is slightly ajar, and looks inside. Her breath catches in her chest when she sees my vulnerability and she chokes on a sob.

She comes in slowly and sits beside me, pulling me to sit beside her. She loved _her_ almost as much as I do, but she doesn't think about it. She is here because her boy is in pain and she refuses to hold him responsible for anything. Such is her heart.

She coaxes my head on her shoulder and within moments, my arms are around my mother's waist and I am sobbing, heaving as I relive everything I did to the one woman that held my heart.

Esme does nothing, just holds me, runs her fingers through my hair and whispers how everything will be alright. But it won't be. I know that because I saw _her_ eyes, and I felt _her_ heart break. But I don't say this out loud.

I realize, with a start, that I should ask for my mother's forgiveness, as well. She had after all, warned me to do nothing like this but I defied her wishes. I was a complete failure. A failed lover, a failed brother and a failed son.

Two days ago, when Jasper attacked _her, _the first thing I had felt was rage. My fingers itched to wrap around his neck and pull his face apart from his body. When I had returned the next morning, I had tried to do just that. But once again, my mother held the family together. She'd pulled me away from Jasper and snarled in warning, her eyes flashing as they betrayed the desperation she'd felt.

I left her pull me away and she'd taken my sharp words and spew of expletives without a word. They weren't aimed at her, of course, but I knew how much she disliked the use of such words in the house. But she'd taken them without objection, even when Carlisle growled at me warningly.

I lift my head now, and look into her eyes, and see the sadness there.

"I've lost a son once," she says quietly. I understand her unspoken thought. _I can't lose another._

"I just…I'd begun to hope. I actually thought everything would be okay. But to see Jasper, my own brother…and I saw her eyes, Esme. She believed it. Every lie I spewed, she believed it." I was sobbing, my hands buried deep into my hair, tugging on the strands with enough force to pull some lose. They fall to my lap and I sigh. _She _loved my hair.

Esme sees the defeat in my posture, feels the end of any meaning in my life and she wraps her hand around me tighter. I have done nothing to deserve a woman quite like her.

I try to divert my attention – an almost impossible task for a vampire – and try to think about all the times Esme has shown me just how much I don't deserve a woman like her in my life. I think of all the times she has shown me forgiveness. The time I returned to Carlisle after having played _god._ The time I'd lashed out at Carlisle for having even _considered_ Rosalie as my mate. The time I'd almost destroyed my room and quite possibly the entire house in my temper tantrum over Alice and Jasper's arrival. All these times and more, my mother has stood beside me, cleaned up my mess. Forgiven me.

I take a deep – unnecessary – breath. I have failed one woman in my life. I refuse to fail another.

"I'm sorry, Esme. I shouldn't have…I'm sorry. I won't interfere in her life again. Bella needs to experience a normal human life. Normality, stability, safety…I can't give her all of this and I honestly think she'd be better off without me," I say, rubbing my face roughly.

Esme immediately lets go of me and stands, for once towering over me. Her eyes are blazing pools of anger and she is glaring at me. For once she looks every bit like the vampire she is.

"I support you, Edward, and if you think leaving is the best thing you can do then alright. But I will not tolerate you undermining Bella's emotions like this. She is every bit as bound to you as you are to her. And if you think for one minute that I will understand when you say that she is happier away from you, then you are mistaken. I do not understand and for this one time Edward…I do not forgive you. Not until you correct this mess."

I bite back a gasp as my mother leaves the room in a huff, angry and muttering under her breath. Every word she spoke was said in utter conviction and she doesn't doubt anything she said. She knows it is true and she honestly believes that Bella and I are meant to be. _They will find a way,_ she thinks as she shuts the door to the car and advises Carlisle to drive. I get up slowly and walk towards the window, looking outside into the forest that overlooks my house.

The cars are gone, just like I'd thought they'd be. There's no one around and even the birds are quiet, like somehow, they're in mourning too. I turn on my heels and make my way outside the house. There is a cave in a dense part of forest of Canada that I planned on inhabiting for a few years. I run.

I am almost outside Forks when I turn back. I cringe and start running again, leaving everything behind me.

Love, life, meaning…over.


	5. Chapter 5

**Challenge #5**

**Title: The Limerick****  
****Date Posted: 03-29-2013****  
****Fandom: Twilight**

**Rating: T****  
****Genre: AH**

**Content Descriptors: Humor**

**Character Pairing: Edward/Bella**

**Thanks to my beta readers Fmfg and Twimarti for all their help :)**

* * *

"This is ridiculous," I muttered as my phone buzzed again. The oldie-type doctor to my left glared at me as I removed my phone from my pocket once again, and I shrugged apologetically. I froze as I read what my seven-year-old boy had texted me.

_Q: What's the difference between lust, love, and showing off? _

_A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling._

"Edward?" I whispered, leaning to my right where my husband was dozing, as he always did in these conferences, and elbowed him gently. He turned toward me with an eyebrow in the air and I sighed, shoving my phone into his hand. He turned toward the screen, and his smile fell almost dramatically. His face paled and if I looked carefully, I could've almost seen him sway a little on his seat. He turned to me and I shook my head at him.

_Don't freak on me here. At home. We'll handle this at home._

Thankfully, Edward seemed to get what I was trying to say and sat up straighter, listening to Mr. Aro who was going on and on about hospital standards, safety drills that should be conducted more often and blah blah blah. I, however, found it increasingly difficult to concentrate and kept glancing at my phone every now and then to make sure my son hadn't send me anything new.

I didn't know what I was going to do about that particular situation. But what I did know was that Jacob Black was a dead man.

Jacob was our babysitter. The plump, cute baby whose little sister I'd been babysitter to was now sitting my baby. The irony wasn't lost on me.

He was, however, very, very responsible for my son, Jared, and I was very, very close to making sure Jacob Black would never have children of his own.

"Bella? Love?" Edward whispered, and I leaned in toward him.

"Yes?"

"Anything new?" he asked cautiously, and I shook my head. He sighed in obvious relief and nodded, turning back to Dr. Aro. He took my hand from underneath the table and squeezed lightly. I squeezed back.

There wasn't much I could do to comfort my husband in a time of crisis such as this except maybe hold his hand and squeeze it to tell him that I was with him in this.

Yeah, yeah, problematic situations made me super-sentimental. Sue me.

It was almost seven by the time we got home. That was almost an hour and a half later than we expected.

"Do you think they're going to be alright?" Edward whispered as we got out of his Volvo.

"Of course, baby. You know Jacob absolutely adores Jared and- "

"Not that way, love. I'm asking you if everything's gonna be okay Jared vocabulary-wise. Is he going to be the same Jared we left behind, or is he going to be a bastardization of Jacob Black?"

"I hope not, Edward. I hope not," I replied as I sighed and we held hands as we opened the door of our place and walked in.

"The house seemed to have lived," Edward muttered, and I nodded absently. "And there seems to be no signs of blood either."

"Edward."

"Sorry." He chuckled and then frowned. "What if he strangled our son to death?"

"Edward!" I smacked his arm and he laughed, pulling my fingers to his mouth and kissing each one of my knuckles.

The action was strangely erotic for my now-horny self and I pulled Edward to me with a groan, crashing my mouth with his, clanking our teeth together in the process.

Edward backed away with a moan. Moan of pain.

"Damn, Bella," he said, rubbing his mouth. "That hurt."

"Sorry," I fussed, rubbing over his lips with my finger and pecking him quickly before grabbing his hand and pulling him to the kitchen. We still had to search for our child, after all.

"Is there something particular you two are looking for?" a muffled voice asked, and we turned around to see Jacob, with a mouth full of who-knows-what, smirking at us knowingly.

"Looking for something?" he repeated when we had not answered him for some time. Instead, we ogled at him. I had absolutely no idea why.

I broke out of the spell first. Shaking my head, I walked toward Jacob and narrowed my eyes at him.

"Is Jared asleep?"

"Yeah, he is. I fed him the lasagna you made, bathed him, he brushed his teeth and he's deep down under now. Jeezus, fuck Bella, your kid is like an Energizer bunny. On crack!"

"What all did you teach him?" Edward snarled and I turned to him, glaring.

"I mean, what all did you two do?" he asked sweetly. I rolled my eyes and turned back to Jacob who smirked at our little display.

"Well, I did give him the birds and bees talk. For starters."

"Noo! I wanted to do that!" Edward whined, and I turned to him incredulously.

"What the hell?" I stomped my foot. "We agreed it would be me."

"What the…Of course not! I'm a gynac. So I give him The Talk!"

"I'm a child psychologist. I know the inner workings of a child's mind, so I give him The Talk!" I screamed and suddenly we all froze. Thankfully, there seemed to be no sound that my child was waking or even stirring.

We all "_phew_'d" in relief and I looked at Edward again.

"This isn't over, brother."

"I didn't expect it to be, sista."

We giggled a little at our bad impersonation of today's rappers and he came to me, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me to him so my back was against his chest. He rested his chin on my shoulder and addressed Jacob.

"Anything else we should know?"

"No, we're good man," Jacob shrugged and I looked at him suspiciously.

"Jacob Black, I was ten and in the room when you were born. Don't fuck with me," I warned.

"I'm not fucking with you, Bells, I swear." Suddenly his phone buzzed and he looked down at it, smiling at the screen.

"Okay, I'll let you guys continue here and I'll be here bright and early tomorrow morning for my fifty bucks. Alright? Bye!" he called, running out the house.

"Teenagers," I muttered as I turned toward my husband, who was frowning slightly while staring after Jacob.

"What? What is it?"

"Bella, love, do you think we should go check up on Jared? See if he's alright?"

I looked his way and gave him my most exaggerated eye-roll. He laughed.

The next morning was pretty normal. Well, as normal as it could be when Jared wanted both his parents seated on the couch. Like, now!

"You know last night Jake taught me somethings. Would you like to hear them?" Jared asked and glanced quickly at the piece of paper in his hands. Edward and I both pretended not to notice.

We nodded anyway and Jared beamed. He looked as if he had realized he did something wrong and he quickly rearranged his features into a business-like expression.

"Here goes:

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

To fetch a pail of water.

Heaven knows what they did up there,

They came back with a daughter!"

Edward was in lockdown mode, his features frozen as if his son had declared he was a vampire. I, on the other hand, could hardly breathe because the air refused to go down my throat.

My son, obviously pleased at the frozen look on his parents' face, continued without missing a beat.

"And here's one Jake taught me about Uncle Emmett:

Uncle Emmett had a flabby old dick,

And of it Aunty Rose was sick.

So she called my minder,

Ground him like a grinder,

And sent him home with a shriveled prick.

How's that, Mommy? Is that any good?" Jared asked me and I managed to choke out a broken _Oh_, _baby _which was apparently good enough for my son because he laughed happily and kissed my cheek, running out into the backyard to play.

I refused to look at my husband, afraid I would find a victim of shock or worse, a heart attack.

At this point, I knew one thing for sure.

Jacob Black was never going to be able to have children of his own. I'd make sure of it. Personally.

* * *

**I've participated in the Paws And Art 2.0 contest and it's an anonymous contest so I can't tell you which entry is mine but all the entries are super amazing and this is literally, my very first story that isn't Edward/Bella so I'd appreciate it if y'all followed the link on my profile and voted for your favorite entries.**

** Voting closes on 1****st**** April so hurry!**

**Oh, and I'm also on twitter: RheaDsouza5 if you're interested in story snippets, announcements, blah blah.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Challenge #7**

**Title: Valentine's Loo****  
****Date Posted: 15th April, 2013****  
****Fandom: Twilight**

**Rating: T/PG13****  
****Genre: AH**

**Content Descriptors: Humor**

**Character Pairing: Edward/Bella**

**Thanks to _ . .Sight_ and _Chocolatemango_ for all their suggestions and comments :)**

* * *

"Toniiight…we are young. So let'z set the world on fiuhre. We can burn briiighter, than the suuunnn…"Alice sang (well, screeched), and I thumped my head on my table a few times. My best friend was drunk, more than I'd care to mention, and damn. She was the one that was supposed to set me up with a guy hotter than the sun.

Her words, not mine

And yet, somehow – just _somehow_ – I couldn't see that happening. Not tonight. And that just fucking broke my heart to no end. Now, who doesn't like a good Valentine's lay? And yes, it wasn't even nine o'clock yet but still. I was hopeless.

But, I also wasn't an insensitive bitch. Who knew James would dump Alice on Valentine's Day? True, they weren't serious. But, _hello_. Valentine's Day and girls don't like to be dumped on this day. I mean, like seriously? Was he even for real?

So, Alice, in her own sweet way, asked me to treat her tonight. Who'd have guessed that she'd wanted to be treated in, the second costliest Karaoke bar in Seattle? Damn the best friend card that she played.

And then there was me. The idiot friend who should have really shut up and given Alice a shoulder to cry on instead of permission to get me _here_. Let bygones be bygones, Alice had advised me as I'd handed over my car keys to the valet who'd ogled my ass more crudely than the homeless guy that (didn't?) live opposite my office.

So here I was, wallowing in self-pity and drinking Sex on the Beach, because clearly, that was all the sex I was going to get tonight.

"Yo, lady. That's your friend up there, ain't she?" the bartender nodded behind me, and I turned around to see Alice, topless, standing on one of the tables with a shady-looking cowboy and grinding against him in a way that would put most grinders to shame. My eyes popped open so wide that you'd think they would fall out of their sockets and I cursed, jumping off my seat and running to her.

"Aand if you tell m'heart. Ma achy breaky haart, he migh' blow up and kill this maan…" she sang along with the rest of the club that had started line dancing to Achy Breaky Heart. _She was grinding the creep to Achy Breaky Heart?_

"This is ridiculous," I muttered, and tapped a guy that was standing beside me, on the shoulder. He turned to me with a grin and a questioning eye-brow already raised high on his forehead.

"Help me up, buddy," I said, pointing to Alice. He frowned in understanding.

"No can do, miss. I've been tryin' to get them down for ten minutes now. I'm Edward Cullen. Owner of this bar and best friend to that boy up there you're friend seems to be pleasuring." He grinned.

"Yeah, good to know you, Edward. Just help me up okay? I need to get her home."

"Sorry ma'am. I can't risk another person standing up on that table. It might cave and break. And we don't want that now, do we?" he grinned cockily and I saw his eyes rake over my form quickly. I glared at him for a full three seconds and then rolled my eyes, grabbing his collar and leading him to the bar. Not completely surprisingly, he came willingly.

"Look, mister. My friend is drunk. And when she's drunk, she's horny. And when she's horny and grinding against a cow-boy, I'm pretty sure you and I both know what's gonna follow. And then tomorrow morning, said friend is gonna call me with a terrible hangover and a guilty conscience. Now I love her, but I don't want her to feel like shit tomorrow. So please. GET HER DOWN!" I said, my voice getting louder until I was finally yelling and Edward cringed.

"Look, lady. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go ask my bouncers to pick 'em both and get them outta here. And then…" he trailed off and his eyes widened comically as he looked over my shoulder. I turned around and almost bumped into Alice who was standing with her arms around Jasper.

"Heyyy, Taco Bella. I lurve this guy. I'm gonna marry him and we're gonna make pretty l'ill babies together, right baby?" she slurred at the wannabe cowboy who was looking at me with a scared expression. Good. But this meant that he wasn't drunk. Better still.

"Sure, darlin'. Although I gotta speak to the maid of honor and the best man about this. It's a little short notice, ain't it? Why don't you go freshen up and find yourself a dress?" Jasper said softly to Alice, stroking her face and even I couldn't deny the chemistry there. I narrowed my eyes at Jasper and he kissed her temple pointedly.

"Go, sweetheart." He nudged her and she squealed, running away like her tush was on fire.

"It's Bella right?" he asked me, and I nodded yes.

"Look, Bella. I know Alice might probably regret this tomorrow, but of one thing I'm sure. Alice she's not like the other lassies I've been hangin' out with. She's just, differen', you know? And I promise you I'm not weddin' her tonight. By God, I'm not weddin' her. Just let me take her away. From here, I mean. And away from that asshole James," he ended, concerned.

"She told you about James? Jesus. What are you doing to her? You better not be one of those voodoo guys or I swear I will castrate you with a spoon," I threatened, and then took great pleasure as both Edward and Jasper automatically cupped their love pumps, a look of fear on their faces.

Although I had to admit, Edward holding on to his love pump was kind of hot. Maybe he'd allow me to…God I had been staring at his Henry and the Henderson's for some time now and his Henry twitched.

_Fuckin hell!_

I looked up at him in shock, but he was staring at his crotch as if willing his Henry to sit the hell down.

Moving on.

"I will hunt you down and I will kill you if anything happens to Alice," I said, poking Jasper in the chest for good measure. His face softened.

"I can assure you, I'm not gonna let anythin' happen to 'ere," he said and patted my head, leaving me alone with Edward. He was still looking down at his crotch, and I shifted awkwardly.

"Um, I'm just gonna go see Alice," I mumbled and left without waiting for Mr. Bone-Her to answer me. Talk about situations hard to handle. No pun intended.

Alice was twirling around to Ed Sheeran with Jasper and he looked…_pussy-whipped_. That's the only thing I could think of.

"Woah, Alice. You ready to go, honey? Let's get going. You gotta get married, remember?" I asked, and she nodded eagerly, pulling Jasper behind her and going right back in towards the bar.

"Alice," I called out desperately, but she'd already disappeared. I tried to follow her, I truly did, just to make sure Jasper didn't run off or anything with her, but ended up paying off a bouncer to keep an eye out on them.

I was drinking a Grey Goose martini when I felt an incessant tapping on my shoulder. I turned around and my jaw made acquaintances with the floor.

Alice was dressed in white. Let me rephrase: Alice was dressed in a complete bridal dress thingy. The veil, the bouquet, the whole thing. I checked my watch to see that it had only been about an hour and a half since I'd let her be alone. And yet, she had found the entire bridal get-up and all that remained was an ordained minister and the groom. Behind her, Jasper was dressed in a tux, Edward standing proudly at his side. The dance floor had been cleared and a bouncer – the one I paid off – stood with a book in his hands. Oh wow. So only the maid of honor was required.

I glared at Alice and she blinked in confusion, her smile fading quickly. I pulled her aside and she winced at the force I was probably using.

"What the hell, Alice? You're marrying him?" I snarled, and her brows furrowed in confusion as she nodded.

"You don't even know him!" I cried.

"So? I know he's the one for me that's what I do know," she said, with surprising clarity, considering she'd been pretty damn drunk two hours ago.

"Alice! Stop this nonsense and let me take you home," I said, probably a little too condescendingly. Alice's face hardened and she glared at me.

"I'm getting married, Bella, whether you like it or not! Now you can either join in or get the hell outta here. So which one is it?"

"Oh my God, Alice. Are you serious? You're asking me to get out? You are _so _gonna regret this tomorrow morning. And then you better not come to me," I growled at her and headed towards the ladies room to find something to break and to think of something to stop this madness.

After using the restroom, I came out to wash my hands and that was when I heard her.

"Are you still here, Bella?" It was Alice and her voice sounded very heartbroken.

"Yeah, I'm here, sweetie." I sighed. "What is it?"

"I want you here, Bella. You're my bestest friend in the whole wide world. And it doesn't matter that you don't care for this marriage or that you're not going to be my maid of honor. Your presence matters."

"I don't know what to do right now, Allie," I whispered. I don't think she heard me.

"I love Jasper. I know I do. You might think it's really early for something like this, but it's true. I love him. And we're definitely getting married tonight, Bella," she sniffed and I slid down to the floor, rubbing my temples in exhaustion.

"Oookay," I said, standing up and making my way towards the door. I tugged on the door but it didn't budge. I furrowed my brow in confusion and tried again. And then I cursed, jumping away from the door like it would bite my hand off.

_Doesn't matter that you don't care for this marriage…_

_You're not going to be my maid of honor…_

_Definitely getting married tonight…_

_Your presence matters._

"Alice, what the hell? Did you just lock me in here?" I cried and tried the door again.

"I'm sorry, Bella. But you need to be here. And I don't need you saying I object all the damn time," she whimpered, and I noted with horror that she was full on crying now.

"Let me out, Alice Brandon, or I swe- "

"Sorry, Bella, but Alice's gone. Want some company?" Edward's voice was smug.

"Jesus, Edward. You have to stop this," I tried as a last ditch attempt.

"Hell no. Jasper's really whipped. I can see that. He's happy, she's happy. What's your problem?"

I sighed and let it go. Figures if he was sitting with me the whole time, I might as well make myself comfortable. I sat at the door and we talked.

That's how I learned that Edward Cullen was son of famous pediatrician Carlisle Cullen and renowned architect Esme Cullen. So what was their son doing running a bar?

"We don't talk much, anymore. My family and I, I mean. What about your folks?"

Turns out, Edward was a sweet guy. And yet I couldn't sweet talk him into opening the door. We spoke for hours, never running out of topics to discuss.

"Is the wedding ceremony over at least?" I asked, glancing at my watch. It was twelve forty-five.

"Yeah, a long time ago. They left for their honeymoon."

"Jesus Christ!" I exclaimed. "So can I get out now?"

"Sure," he said easily and I heard his footsteps fade away as he probably went to retrieve his keys. A few seconds later, he opened the door and I sighed, walking out of the loo.

"Thanks." I held my hand out to Edward, who grinned and held it in his own. "I'm gonna go locate my friend and tell her I've disowned her," I joked.

"Sure thing, ma'am. Hey by the way, do you think you could drop in here later tomorrow. Or today," he corrected as he glanced at the wall clock.

"Alone. I'll be here alone. Wouldn't want any other friend of mine to get hitched and seriously, I don't think I can stand sitting around locked up anymore."

"Okay," he agreed, laughing and walked me out to my car, in the parking lot.

"So I guess I'll see you around," he said awkwardly and I smiled.

I was in my car when I opened my window. "Hey, why'd you keep locked in after Alice and Jasper left? And walk me all the way to my car?"

"Alice and Jasper are right upstairs in his apartment, ma'am. That's where they're celebrating their first happy days of marriage."

My jaw dropped and I cursed my stupidity. Of course they were right there. Damn!

"See you around, ma'am." Edward grinned cheekily and it was impossible not to smile back. "You can break up the love-fest tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day!"

Happy Valentine's Day, indeed.

* * *

**Thoughts?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Challenge #8**

**Title: Talk My Ear Off****  
****Date Posted: April 23, 2013****  
****Fandom: Twilight**

**Rating: PG-13****  
****Genre: AU **

**Content Descriptors: Parody**

**Character Pairing: Edward/Bella**

* * *

******Thanks to my wonderful beta readers from PTB for Beta'ing this chapter for me:)**

* * *

Alice and Rosalie tried to hold Bella still while they did her hair. Of course, the fact that they had to even "try" to hold a _human _girl down was proof to the fact that they were slowly but steadily losing their vampire mojo. Or so Bella thought.

"Is he home yet? It's like I can feel it in the darkest, deepest parts of my stomach that he's gonna bail on me today."

"Hey, if you can feel in your gut that he's not coming home, then why have this wedding? Seriously, Bella, stop being so melodramatic. Alice told you he'd be back in fifteen minutes - she's seen it. Just be still, bitch."

"There, you've said it! You called me a bitch on my wedding day. Get off me, ya blond cougar!"

"I am not a cougar! I told you that yesterday and I'm telling you again. I. Am. Not. A cougar!"

"Are, too."

"_Am not!_"

"_ARE, TOO!_"

"Sit still, Bella. You're making it imp –"

"Shut up, Alice!" both girls shouted, and Alice thought it best to hold on to her horses.

"You call me a cougar one more time and I –

"I'm not gonna call you a cougar anymore. Better yet, I'm gonna call you an uber-cougar. Oh wait, I'm gonna refer to Your Royal Heinous as Rosalie _I'm-a-super-duper-uber-cougar-bitches!_ Hale."

Alice decided that it would be prudent to interrupt before Rosalie solidified her decision to pull Bella's hair out. Even she couldn't do much with a bald bride, she decided.

"They're here, Bella. They're back!"

"Oh yay. Wait, Ali, do you think I could go meet Edward?"

"Um, Bella, that's not really allow –

"Oh thank you so much, Alice. I'll be right back," Bella said, literally running outta the room like a Bridezilla whose derrière wason fire. Rosalie followed her, hot on her heels, eager to demean Bella at the first chance.

_It's always the quiet ones,_ Alice thought, shaking her head sadly.

Meanwhile, Bella ran down the steps, much unlike her clumsy self, and threw herself into Edward's waiting arms. She sniffed his collar immediately.

"You smell like lipstick. Why do you smell like lipstick?"

"Lipstick? Of course not, love. Where on earth did you get that ridic – Jasper and Emmett took me to a strip club," Edward blurted, shifting his foot awkwardly.

"You went to a"–histrionic gasp–"tittie bar?"

"Love, I didn't mean to go, I promise. They dragged me in there. And then I saw all those girls, and they were going round and round and round on those poles and they had nipple piercings, Bella. _Nipple piercings!_ Admittedly there was one who–

"You jerk! You completely asshol-ic jerk! You won't have sex with me, you made me assume you actually didn't know what went where, and now you're telling me you have a nipple piercing fetish?!"

"I do not have any type of fetis–Wait, WHAT? What makes you think I don't know what goes where?"

"So you do know what goes where?"

"It's not really that difficult. I mean, I wasn't very sure at first. So I bought the 'Intercourse for Dumbos' e-book and voila! I learned that Tab A goes into Slot B. Or in our case, Tab E will go into Slot B. Wait a minute. Then why did they teach me that Tab A goes into Slot B? Has there been a Tab A in you before, Bella?"

"What the– "

"JINGLE BELLS, EDWARD SMELLS, JACOB IS SO GAY…"

"Oh em gee, was that Charlie?" Alice whispered in horror.

"All right, you should know that there's been no Tab Whatever and there will be no other Tab in my Slot other than for Tab E. I love YOU!" Bella pouted and Edward pinched the bridge of his nose.

_Damn these dramatic humans! Damn them all to hell! But I have to see if she has nipple piercings. _

So Edward–our apparently very prudent vampire – placed both his hands on Bella's rather teacup-sized breasts and felt around for piercings. Sadly though for him, there weren't any.

"You don't have any piercings?"

"Nope."

"But I'm still here. And I still wanna marry you. What does that say about me?"

"That you're an ass that's getting married to a woman without piercings. I mean, seriously? Do people even do that now?" Jasper asked, yawning.

"Vampires don't fuckin' yawn."

"Shut up lill Eddie."

"Edward's Eddie isn't little."

"How do you know? I thought he had a chastity belt around his lil Eddie."

"MY EDDIE IS NOT LITTLE!"

"Yeah, sure. I saw lil Eddie. And he has nothing on Apollo," Emmett said proudly, patting his crotch.

"Emmett!" seven voices cried out, and he pouted, offended.

"Is there gonna be a wedding here or what?" Carlisle screamed, and everyone looked at him, with mouths wide open.

"You guys are ridiculous. ALL OF YOU! And you. I changed you in 1918 thinking I'd done the right thing. Who knew I was creating a fetish-monster? I'd take the rebellion period you had against the boob-groping you just did any day."

"I was just feeling around for piercings. You know I like them, Carlisle."

"I don't believe you're my son. My own venom and blood. Jesus!"

"Oh yeah? Well right back at ya, Pop. You're so soft spoken it makes me wanna puke in my mouth."

"Puhlease. You're so arrogant it makes me go _bleh._"

"What kind of a super-power is compassion, Father? What will you do? Love thy enemy to death?"

"What will _you_ do? Read thy enemy's mind to death?"

"Uh…"

"Um…"

"That was plain– "

"Stupid, son. I know. Sorry."

Bella watched the entire conversation her soon-to-be-husband was having with his brothers and father with an open mouth. Certainly this wasn't the emo vampire that had asked her to be his wife almost four months ago.

Edward looked at his bride-to-be and sighed. Classic Bella, freaking out before her wedding.

"Now what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? _What's wrong?!_ You used to be normal, Edward. Now you're this typical teenage horn-dog that just groped my boobs to feel around for piercings?"

"I am not a horn-dog!"

"Oh come on, Eddie, you totally are a horn-dog. You always jerk-off to 'Cherry Pie_',_ don't you?" Emmett piped in and Bella's eyes popped wide open.

"Cherry Pie? You jerk off to Cherry Pie? Wait– you jerk off?"

"I do–Emmett, you _sonovabitch_!" Edward growled. He was dangerously close to murdering his make-do brother in front of maybe-to-be bride.

"That's it. I'm done. There ain't gonna be no wedding here!" Bella threw up her hands and started to walk out the door.

"Well you ain't got no piercing so I ain't gonna stop you, bitch!" Edward screamed.

Bella flipped him the bird without even turning around.

She wasn't very interested in sparkly vampires without pretty cock rings anyway.


	8. Chapter 8

**Challenge #10**

**Title: Rule Me Out****  
****Fandom: Twilight**

**Date Posted: 2nd May, 2013**

**Rating: T****  
****Genre: AU**

**Content Descriptors: Humor **

**Character Pairing: Edward/Bella**

**Just imagine its Gloria Pritchett from Modern Family speaking every time Bella speaks :)**

* * *

"You don't want Daddy to like you, no? He want to kill you, all ze time. Why do you not know zat?" Bella asked me, her fingers rubbing furiously against her temple as she entered our house and threw her purse on the couch.

"Your father wants to kill me? _Your father wants to kill me! _Bella, my love, I am a vampire. Your father could not kill me if he tried."

"Yess, but why you want to test my father's patience all the time? You meet my father for ze first time. You should try to press him, no?"

"Impress. Bella, I don't need to _impress_ anyone," I corrected arrogantly. This angered Bella.

_Good Lord, __save me!_

"Why you keep saying things like zat, Edward? You told me you a vampire. I freak? No. You told me you hundred years old. I freak? No. But you got to understand. Daddy pay all bills. Daddy put money in my account. I stay in Daddy's good books, then Daddy keep paying bills and Daddy keep putting money in account. _Por favour_, Edward. Don't ever do this again."

"Jesus, Bella. I have told you so many times. Once we get married, you won't need any type of help from Charlie. I'm still ready to help you out in any way you need, but you are so adamant on not taking money from me. What's mine is yours, Bella, love. You know this."

Bella's eyes watered at my words and she sniffed. It broke my heart and I tried to pull her closer, but she fought against it and I let my arms drop.

"You think I love you for money? My father very rich man. I don't need money of you. I don't love you because of that fancy gray vroom vroom you drive or that thing your family owns…how do you say in English the kattakattakattakatta?" she asked, turning her index finger round and round.

"Helicopter." I chuckled.

"Yes, zat halicopter you own. I teach you to seet and eat properly, but you break all rule and all ethic. Come now, Edward, that is not way to do eet, is it?" Bella sniffed.

I controlled my snickering at her pronunciations before she got angrier and pulled her to me. This time she came willingly. "I'm sorry, love. This won't happen again, I promise. But will you at least tell me what exactly I did wrong on the dinner table?"

"**You use napkin as bib on your neck. **

**You belch and burp.**

**You talk with chewed food in your mouth. **

**You clank fork and knife together so much it make lot of noise.**

**You drink the boiled-water-and-lemon concoction from the finger bowl.** Anything else that you need to know?"

"Oh, dear. Your father must hate me now," I teased. Bella, however, bought it, just like I knew she would.

"Oh no, sweetie. I'm sure Daddy like you. He just doesn't understand you yet. It's all right. But next time I teach you and you pay attention and try to learn, si? Little difficult to teach vampire who not paying attention," she said soothingly. I nodded and pulled away.

"Of course, Bella. Besides, next time, Renee and Phil want us to go over to their house. And your mother already likes me. So it's no problem right?" I asked, kissing her forehead and making my way to the kitchen to pour my lady love some wine.

"Oh no. It is good. It is good. Oh, by the way, Edward?" she asked, her voice suspicious.

"Yes, love?" I answered cautiously.

"You born in 1901, yes? Then you know all table manners, no? They must be big at zat time."

_Uh oh._

"Well, that was a long time ago, love. I was human then, so I don't really remember much now. Besides, you've corrected me now. I don't think I'm going to forget this again. I'll make you proud of me, love," I said sincerely, and Bella's beautiful blue eyes melted. She nodded, placated, and collapsed on the couch. I filled her glass with wine and brought it to her before she'd even placed her legs on the center-table.

"Would you like me to give you a nice massage?" I asked. Without waiting for her reply, I plopped myself on the couch beside her, pulling her legs onto my lap and gently massaging her legs. She moaned softly, and I smiled.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"You won't lie to me if I ask you one more tiny question?"

"No, sweetheart, of course not," I answered, regretting it almost immediately. With Bella, making promises like these always resulted in nothing but a week on the couch. Not that it meant anything to me because I didn't sleep, but a week on the couch meant a week with no sex. _That_ was hard. No pun intended.

"You get degree from Harvard and all the Ivy League college? So you go to big-ass student dinner. So you know how to eat. So then do you lie to me just now?" Bella screeched, with a finger jabbing into my chest with each question.

Before I could respond, Bella muttered '_joder' _and ran into the kitchen, coming out with an ice pack pressed to her finger.

"You get out of this house. Starting now!" Bella yelled, nodding at the door.

"Bella, listen to me. I did it for fun, sweetheart. So what if he thinks I'm weird? We're not going to see your father much after the wedding, are we? Coz you're going to change immediately, remember?"

"Yes, I remember, you little shit. I just didn't like this game you played with Daddy. He not going to be happy. To him I'm just a _bruja malvada_ and you're my faithful gargole,"she said, waving her hands around and then wincing from the pain.

"You mean gargoyle."

"That's what I said. You try speaking another language!" she accused, and I smiled.

"I'm sorry, love. How about we sit down and talk?" I cooed, and she mellowed. Bella's mood swings would forever evade my understanding. I wondered vaguely if it would remain like this after the change.

I shuddered.

We sat down at the dinner table and I took her hands in my own, discreetly massaging her injured finger. She spoke to me – in spectacular English, if I may – about her insecurities and how she was afraid her father wouldn't approve of our marriage.

"You easy to fight with animal. How do you deal with my father? You box with alligator—"

"Wrestle."

"—but you can't box with Daddy. What to do, Papi? This loose-loose situation."

"First of all, it's lose-lose. Not loose-loose," I corrected softly.

"Aye, all you do is mock me. You try speaking another language! _Pedazo de mierda! Ir a morir en el infierno!_ Get out of my house!" she shouted and I cringed.

"I'm already dead, sweetheart."

"I give you ultimatom—"

"Ultimatum."

"—you get out right now or you stay but no schmexin for you for the next week. Aye, where you going, running? Come back!"

* * *

**Thanks for reading!**


	9. Mishap Funnies

**Challenge #17**

**Title: Mishap Funnies****  
****Fandom: Twilight**

**Date Posted: 06-21-2013**

**Rating: T****  
****Genre: OOC**

**Content Descriptors: Humor **

**Character Pairing: Edward/Bella**

* * *

"Chocolate…vanilla…plum…strawberry! Ha! There you are…" I mumbled quietly to myself as I picked up the oh-so-difficult-to-find box of strawberry ice-cream and dropped it into my overflowing cart. I turned to Edward and frowned as I saw what he was _still_ doing.

"Edward."

But he didn't stop. It was annoying and completely unnecessary, but he had insisted on doing it and—being as innocent as I was—I had seen no harm in it. But this was quickly getting ridiculous.

"Edward…people are staring." They really weren't. "Stop."

"But it's so much fun!" Edward whined, his fingers moving around on the Rubik's cube with a speed that could only just pass as human. A response! Finally.

"No it _was_ fun, when you started doing it. Which was like, three hours ago. Now it's irritating. So stop."

"But…"

"No! You can do it when we're not surrounded by humans," I insisted and that shut him up.

Of course, I hadn't closely considered the fact that he was an unusual vampire and patience wasn't his strongest suit.

"How much more time will you take?" he asked casually. Politely.

Of course, I knew better.

"Exactly twenty minutes. Then we're out of here."

"All right. I'm just going to look around. Examine some more of this skippy phenomenon you humans call food." He was gone before I could say anything.

"Or you could help me push this damn SOB around," I muttered as I struggled with pushing my cart's wheel over a broken tile. "Damn this piece of shit."

I continued gathering my monthly grocery, and after about fifteen minutes of struggling with an overflowing cart and almost tripping over said cart, I stood in line for payment.

It was staggering the amount of people who failed to grasp the concept of ten items or more.

"Boo," a voice whispered in my ear, and I gasped as Edward's cold arms wrapped around my waist. "Did I startle you?"

"Uh huh." I nodded and resisted rolling my eyes. "It seems to be one of your many talents. Scaring me, scaling windows, reading minds…the list just goes on and on," I whispered back.

"Oh well. The liabilities of being a vampire, I guess." He grinned while sighing exaggeratedly with resignation. "All these awesome things that I can do, and you mortals don't appreciate it."

"I'm sure others of my specie will. Tell them everything I know, and we'll find out just how appreciative they can be."

"Ha ha. Very funny. I'm glad my fiancee can be this amusing. Eternity will be fun," Edward deadpanned.

I stuck out my tongue at him and winced as he did the same. The action really, really didn't go well with the fact that he was a hundred and seven.

The man standing in front of me—who smelled like pork chops, might I add—moved forward, and I pushed the cart. The funny thing was that, despite my human fragility, I was still the one pushing the cart ahead. Edward hadn't even offered. Weird.

I turned to look at him, just as he opened his mouth to speak. I smiled and moved my hands in a motion that symbolized that I wanted him to go ahead. He smiled, albeit nervously.

"May I play with the Rubik's cube now? I want to see if I can bend it into a pentagon," he asked hopefully, and I slapped my forehead. He looked confused.

"Edward, sweetie, normal people cannot bend the Rubik's cube into as many shapes as they know. It's not possible, and while I appreciate the fact that you've been doing it discreetly, we're standing in a line and people are bound to notice now."

"Huh. All right." Edward frowned and he looked trumped—exactly the way children would get if they were denied candy on Christmas Day.

We stood in uncomfortable silence—a first for us—while we waited for our turn. After another ten minutes, we were finally at the counter and the dull, blond, bubble-gum chewing salesgirl's face brightened as she spotted Edward.

"May I help you, sir?" she purred.

"No, unfortunately you can't help him. On the bright side, you can help his fiancee," I smiled sweetly, as Edward tried to—unsuccessfully—stifle his chuckles.

The salesgirl's eyes narrowed into slits, and she nodded curtly as she began to do that cool beep thing that they did with that gun-like thingy that they had.

The bill came up to about 35 dollars, and I gave her the shiny black card I had received just the previous month. Edward nodded approvingly.

"Thanks a ton," I muttered as she handed over the card to me. I picked up each of the many bags that she'd laid out and walked out of the store. Edward still didn't offer to help.

"Edward." I grunted. "I would really like some help here." I was close to begging and the bags seemed to be getting heavier.

"Oh look! A snail. You know, in my hundred years, I never _really _noticed a snail. The silver trail is absolutely fascinating. Just look at it, Bella," Edward said with so much wonder in his voice, I wanted to castrate him with a spoon. Publicly.

"Edward! I really need your help here. I can't carry all this alone. It's too heavy." I moaned but Edward was still busy looking at the fucking snail. Time to get my point across a little more violently.

Balancing three bags in one hand, I took one heavy one in the other and swung it around a bit, hitting Edward square in the back with it.

He didn't even move.

"Just a second, love." The man actually had the balls to sound irritated.

I narrowed my eyes and tried again. This time he only tsk'ed at me.

_If that's how you want to play it, baby,_ I thought and swung the bag harder this time. Only, this time I miscalculated, and since I was the human gravity seemed to love the most, I fell flat on my face, the bag right beside me. The bags in my other hand fell as well as the one carrying flour burst wide open, covering me with the white powder.

Basically, I looked like a snowman had peed on me. If his piss was white. And powdery.

"Oh, dear. Now look what you've done. If you would've waited just a second, Bella. No need to be so impatient," Edward said patronizingly, and I once again considered that castration thing.

"Help me up, Edward," I gritted from between my clenched teeth. "Quickly!"

"Alright, alright," Edward whined and gingerly—and by gingerly I meant: with not more than two fingers—helped me up from the ground. I stood up, shook his hand off my arm, to which he only giggled, and walked up to my car.

"Aren't you going to get these bags, love? And what about the flour? Wouldn't you need some more? You dropped everything!" Edward accused, and I was sure that at right that moment, my eyes were as big as saucers.

"What the fuck? Edward, if you'd have bothered to help me, maybe, just maybe, I'd not have fallen. Jesus, how selfish can you be?" I yelled.

"Selfish? I don't believe this, Bella. I'm not selfish!" Edward was quick to defend himself.

"Well you were the one playing with the Rubik's cube. And then the fucking snail!"

"Last week you told me that you wanted independence. And you told me that it was okay to be me when I was with you. So I am!"

This was him? This was how he really was? Really?

"Fuck" was the last word I remembered saying as Edward knocked me over on my head. And for my own sake I hoped this was a dream. A bad, bad dream.

* * *

**You like?**


End file.
